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I have just returned from jogging. I’m amazed to admit those words. I think it could have been many years since the previous time. However It came to my attention that I have somewhat raised cholesterol, and doctors suggested to perform intense workouts on a consistent basis.

It’s the initial instance in my existence that my motivation to be active has been my physical health. When I was younger, I exercised because I wanted to be thinner. I’ve also run to alleviate my anxiety – It was an avoidance tactic from the worry, instead of dealing with it. On other occasions, I ran because I aimed to enhance in running. This was what it meant to me at that time to create a superior lifestyle.

Jogging with altered intent at present got me thinking about the approaches I’ve connected with my physical self during my years and the way it’s evolving as I move from youth to midlife. I don’t think I’ve honored my body, not truly. I’ve valued it just for its capabilities and the purposes it served me: aiming to appeal; avoiding feelings; achieving a quicker five kilometers. Until today, I hadn’t realized that my body represents me, it is my existence, as opposed to a tool for outcomes.

A great deal has been explored for ages about the split of mind and body – a topic it’s comforting to know, I’ll avoid detailing here. What I’ve found most intriguing is Sigmund Freud’s view that mind and body are naturally unified right from the start, because physical maturation demands psychological development and vice versa. The infant’s bodily experiences – such as the physical sensation of hunger – propel the brain to develop the capacity to identify hunger as a sensation that can be sated by a feed; and the emotional comfort and contentment regularly delivered by meal after meal feeds the child’s mind just as the food sustains them corporally. So too psychological experiences – such as the desire to stand up and attain a goal, and the determination to persist through effort – are the reason and method physical strength increases. Since infancy, our physical and mental selves are interconnected in reciprocal evolution as connected as a double helix.

But It’s become clear, in sessions with my therapist, that my mind and body can be in a distinct connection – a less unified and somewhat abusive. My mind may employ my physical self to retain and display aspects that my mind considers unacceptable or intolerable. In analysis we’ve become aware that there are particular emotional states that I fear I cannot bear; rather than experiencing them mentally, I unconsciously shift them into my body, where they get stuck as corporeal issues.

I previously experienced digestive discomfort – not connected to my diet, but represented a type of bodily backlash of the harsher emotions I couldn’t digest mentally. This wasn’t a deliberate decision, but after it was introduced to awareness in sessions, and my fear and sensitivity and anger and alarm were experienced and put into words in place of transformed into bodily feelings, it resolved. It’s uncommon for me with digestive issues currently.

The worst time I endured this intense reflux, I didn’t sleep for many nights straight. It seemed I was forfeiting my mental stability. I consulted my doctor, who scheduled all sorts of diagnostic procedures, but everything was corporally problematic. The situation was a different physician who told me that the root could be mental. My therapist concurred. I was shocked, but I also felt it was accurate.

Whenever someone is suffering a corporeal problem, they might feel insulted at the suggestion that it may have an emotional origin. It can seem as invalidation, the idea that their illness is imagined. Naturally it’s a real phenomenon – people can have their pain discounted or incorrectly identified. However, sometimes it could be that the physical symptoms are real – no question – and the origin is psychological, the unconscious using the physical self to express some pain or rage or whichever sentiment the conscious self cannot tolerate. Occasionally, we may believe our feelings matters solely if manifested as bodily symptoms. We often undervalue our mental states as individuals, collectively and within our culture; why else do we accept the appalling reduction of mental health treatments through health services?

My experiences have shown me that an improved existence cannot be created when we are stuck unconsciously in patterns of interaction, internally and with others, that are rooted in devaluation, use and dealings. These dynamics are often easier to recognize “externally” in the general public. It’s likely harder to reflect on how they got out there, and to recognise these forms personally and among loved ones, in the workings of our minds.

But it’s worth persevering. When I put my trainers again after such a long decade, going outside not to get a better body, or to escape a feeling, or to improve a personal best, {it